My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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