Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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