My cat gives me a boner
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
