i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
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