quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
