I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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