I want to have your abortion
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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