I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
