I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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