I'm sorry my penis didn't work
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
