garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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