I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
