what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
