bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
