I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
