I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
