That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Randomize
