Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
