I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
I can text with my tongue
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
3pm strippers are depressing
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
