I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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