dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
