Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
