We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
