The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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