WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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