a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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