Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
