4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
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