If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You are a genius and a whore.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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