Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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