Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
