His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
