I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
