Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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