our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
