I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
