Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
