I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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