Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
