...is it true? will i see you next weekend
YES.
ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
