Dude my mom stole all your condoms
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
