If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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