Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Randomize
