YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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