Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
