You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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