1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
He did a backflip because drugs
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
