I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
