i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Randomize
