Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
