I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
